Like a butterfly.


Assalamualaikum w. b. t.
Hai! Hehe. Lamaaaaaa sangat sangat lama tidak post d blog ni. Actually ada juga post but I didnt publish it. Biar jadi draft ja. Lagipun whats the point of posting pun..eventhough teda yang baca blog ni, but I somehow feel satisfied when I wrote what I'am currently feeling.

I've quit my job 1 and a half weeks ago. Why? Because that workplace is my ex's family business. Lol. We broke up and I stayed there for about 6 months +. I quit bcause I no longer want to have any relation with anything/anyone that relates to my ex.

Yala, dia xlama lagi mau kawin. So why should I stay kan? Why should I be close with his family when he's no longer single and available. Lol. Lagi-lagi bila dia mau kawin suda, or might be dia sebenarnya suda kawin. Hmmmm. Mu curiosity level setinggi langit suda tertanya pasal tu. Frankly speaking, I might still have a tiiiiiny feeling towards him. Yes, I might have. Sebab saya sendiri x sure saya masi suka/sayang dia ka, atau perasaan ni actually hanyalah ego yang sakit hati sebab dia buat saya gini. Oleh sebab itu, saya mau dia rasa bersalah/menyesal sebab break up dulu.

Why I said it might be my ego? Bcause...come to think of it..I would not want him to be my so-called future husband. I dont want him and he's not suitable to be part of my family. I dont know why but I really do not want him. Eventhough macam...saya sayang dia, but ntah la.. He's not someone that I want, which makes me feel blessed for breaking up with him. No, I'm not saying that I broke up with him, he broke up with me for his ex gf. Jerk? Yeshh memang macam jerk. But I am thankful he's not the one. Sebab tu la saya rasa, I might still have  this perasaan tidak puas hati dengan dia bcause of ego. Sebab, kalau dia mau balik, saya xmau. Hmmmm. And I hate this kind of feeling bcause I feel like I am an evil person for wanting him to experience what he did to me. Thats why I honestly hope he'll be happy with his fiancee/spouse whatever. Hahaha. Bcause I wanna let go this evil feeling inside me. Satu sebab ja la kenapa saya mau sangat dia rasa bersalah, sebab dia xpernah minta maaf secara ikhlas atas apa yang dia buat ni. He points out all my weaknesses as a reason to break up padahal dia yang berubah hati. & I helped his family a lot, and he didnt even apologies or thank me for what I did. Dia masi dengan perangai ego dia, macam la dia hotsetaf like saya yang terkejar kejar dia. Maybe 1-3 months pertama after breaking up, I might still have a feeling for him and I want him back. Tapi selepas itu, perasaan tu macam makin hilang. So he shouldnt be treating me like some lowly person. I still helped his family, especially his mom. So he shouldnt be that evil to me. Tapi nda apa la. Sometimes orang begitu, we should just forget what he did bcause thats how he is. Kita mampu memaafkan ja dan ikhlaskan hati untuk kasi maaf sebab why should we have that one black dot in out heart just because of someone like that kan. And why should we waste our happiness just because of a guy like him.

I really want to refer him as a "jerk" but I dont feel like I have the authority to call people that way. He might be a jerk to me, but he is a nice son towards his mother and a nice boyfriend/fiance/spouse towards his girlfriend/fiancee/spouse. Hahaha. Eventhough I dislike him for making me feel this way, but I still respect him because I know he is a kind person. But still, saya tidak mau dia juga. Saya cuma kecewa ja dia tidak pernah minta maaf secara ikhlas sebab dia jahat tu. Tu ja.



And so, this is the end of my heartfelt post today. Thanks for reading. Bye~

Experience comes first!

Assalamualaikum W. B. T. Hello peeps! :)


Ni post random yang dibuat untuk meluahkan rasa hati ja. Hehe. I dont know why, but these days, I keep on thinking about my past relationships. Yes, relationship(s). Bukan banyak pun ex ex. I would not considered them as an ex, they are just someone who once makes me happy & treats me well. Each of them has their own qualities that made me fall into them. Eventhough I have many past relationships since in highschool, but those relationship is not something that I considered as a relationship. Get it? Hahaha. Saya tidak iktiraf hubungan couple couple yang saya buat masa sekolah menengah. Sebab tu semua time budak budak. Hiks.


There are actually two people that I would considered as someone that I really do love. One of them is a guy that I met after taking my SPM, during my part time working days... Lets call him N. I really fall inlove with this guy. I really do like him soooo much, until the day that he left, it hurts me badly. Hmm. Kalau fikir balik la, memang time sekolah menengah pun ada nangis nangis juga konon sebab break up. Tapi ntah kenapa, bagi saya, break up dengan dia ni la paling teruk. Maybe sebab bagi saya, dialah lelaki terbaik yang saya pernah kenal. Dan mungkin sebab saya rasa dia memang serius dengan saya. Dia tanya pasal solat, pasal benda benda berkaitan agama, sampai satu masa tu dia cakap "nanti 2018 kita kahwin ah" tapi saya tidak setuju, sebab time tu umur saya 25. So dia adjust lagi masa. I guess, thats why I like him so much and I hold on to him. Sebab janji tipu dia tu. Yang akhirnya, benda tu menyakitkan saya. Betul la orang cakap, jangan berjanji masa tengah happy. One reason for us to be apart is because of me that keeps on questioning his love. La sangat. Duii. Banyak lagi benda actually yang dia cakap, yang buat saya suka dia sangat sangat. Yes, stupid me for believing such lies from a man. Duhh.


Oleh sebab saya betul betul mau lupakan dia ni la, saya start bekawan balik dengan ex saya, c A. A ni saya kenal sebelum saya kenal c N lagi. A & N ni kawan sekolah menengah actually. Saya rasa N ni berminat kawan saya sebab dia nampak saya bekawan sama A dan kawan kawan dia lain. Balik kepada cerita ni, saya bekawan balik dengan A ni time dia tengah PLKN. Kami bermesej tiap hari sampailah satu hari dia call. Dari sana la, setiap hari sabtu saya tunggu dia mesej. Sabtu ka jumaat, I dont remember. Sehinggalah satu hari, keputusan U d umumkan. Saya dapat UiTM, and dia pun dapat UiTM seminggu lepas tu. DAN kebetulan lagi kami satu kelas. So, dalam kelas yang pertama tu la kami mula mula jumpa. And from there, everything starts to be sweet. Satu hari tu, I dunno why, for me, relationship dalam fb tu bukan benda yang serius sangat pun. Sekadar mau main main in relationship ja. Saya request c A ni.. and mungkin dia rasa saya bagi hint saya suka. Haha. Ntah la. Dia cakap "Lets take it slow" and I was like laughing my heart out sebab saya main main ja. But in the same time, I do like him. Jadi kami bekawan la~ Until one dayy, ada orang tanya saya pasal status kami. I told him, I told the person that we're just friends. And he was like "kita kawan ka?" I was like "Ya la, ko teda tanya pun" -,- hahahaha. Memang budak budak la. Then dia pun tanya "Sudikah ko jadi girlfriend saya?" hahahah childish. Geli ingat. So saya setuju, and it leads to a romantic relationship. Duhh.


Okay. Lepas bbrp bulan kami bersama, atau lepas berminggu? (nda ingat), tiba tiba N mesej FB. Bagi youtube pasal sayang sayang segala. Unfortunately, he was too late. I cant leave A just like that when I said I love him. So saya pun lepaskan ja N ni. Saya tidak layan dia pun. 1 year berlalu, c N ada juga try try tegur, but the same thing I do, saya x layan. Until one time, viral pasal kahwin kahwin awal ni. Masa tu kan muda remaja, mestilah rasa macam mau kawin awal jugaaaa >.< camtu. Haha. So I started questioning A ni. Beberapa ketika lepas tu, saya xrasa pun A ni memang serius suka. Sebab dia senang lepaskan saya, dia senang senang pilih break daripada buat benda yang saya request. Bukan benda yang teruk pun. Setakat minta dia TRY solat 5 waktu. Try ja, bukannya kasi full. Dia sanggup pilih break up. Lolz. Tapi kami x break, because I do love him. Banyak lagi berlaku lepas tu.. Sampai satu tahap....I feel nothing. Saya sayang dia sangat, but I cant go on. Even cakap pasal kahwin dengan dia pun, dia buat muka yang memang sangat xsuka. Cakap pasal baby comel sebelah kereta pun mood dia terus berubah. Which makes me cry. Lol. But one thing yang memang kelemahan A ni, bila saya nangis, dia terus risau. Haha. Crying makes our relationship better. Lol. But that one particular day, theres nothing to be crying or regretting about. I can see his final effort though. We have once fight because of politics. Then he said "Kalau A ada bini nanti, mmg A suru dia undi ****" so saya pun marah. Gara gara politik, dia boleh ketepikan saya sebagai calon isteri? Haha. But on the day that we almost break up, when I talked about this one party, he gives me a positive respond. I guess he was afraid of losing me, thats why he's like that. Unfortunately, its too late. I cannot go on with our relationship. I'm so tired of giving out my best, trying the best I can to be his "perfect" girlfriend so that he can see the true value of having me. Its not that he does not love me. I know he really do loves me. But its not enough for me...maybe? Sebab bagi saya, buat apa kami becinta lama lama bila dia langsung tidak terfikir pun untuk kawin. Dengan senang cakap "ada jodoh kita kawin la". He's a great boyfriend. I am sure he can be a great husband, but not to me. Dia memang sangat sangat baik. Everytime there is something I want, dia memang akan cuba beli. Tapi tu la, memang teda jodoh antara kami. Haha.


So, a few days before everything ends (masa ni memang hubungan kami d hujung sudah), N kontek balik dari fb. And we were chatting etc. Exchanging fon number. Kebetulan masa ni, A tengah guna fb saya, and he read everything. And we have a big fight. But I was too tired of fighting. Ntah la, bukan saya curang pun. I just feel like. kami terlalu asyik begaduh. Ada ja yang xkena d mata saya, ada ja yg xkena d mata dia juga. In the end, we broke up. Bukan sebab N tu, tapi sebab saya betul betul penat. Saya masih sayang dia, but I cant go on. Tidak lama lepas tu, N ni mula kontek sy balik. At first, saya ingat dia teda gf. Tapi rupanya ada. Saya tidak lagi mau layan dia, tapi dia pujuk berabis. Dia cakap lagi dia xlama lagi break sebab dorang asyik gaduh, dia rasa dia xngam dengan gf dia. Why did I believe those words? Why did I be someone that takes someone elses boyfriend kan. I tried hard to push him away but he tried hard to make me trust him. I was stupid to trust him again. And well, after a month, he hurt me again. Saying that he feels guilty towards his girlfriends. Tau juga dia. Tapi salah saya juga, kenapa saya layan juga bila dia merayu berabis. Haha. At that time, I thought that he was supposed to be mine since I know him first. And he also told me that we havent really broke up sebab teda kata putus. Pfft. And at that time, I was hurt so much. I forgot to mention, the reason why I was happy to get to know him again because I thought he would be the one. Which was totally wrong. Lol. It took me about 3~6 months to forget about him.


Haha. Which then causes me to be afraid of having a relationship. But a few months after, I get close with this one guy in my class. This guy is also afraid of having a relationship. He's the one that tried hard to get to know me. We were really close for one year... until one day, he left. This time, I am not too hurt, but the feeling is more to being afraid of getting to know anyone. I have no interest in getting to know new people. Its not that this person hurts me, but its because, I couldnt trust anyone anymore. Which leads to the "me" now. :D



-The end.